Tunnel Vision

There’s so much more out there

As a Special Education teacher for 14 years, the term tunnel vision is often used to describe hyper fixation that can happen for people diagnosed with ADHD. One moment it’s as if they can’t focus on anything, then suddenly they lock into something and 10 hours pass without them remembering to eat.

I think as the term neurodiversity gains traction (as it rightfully should) there are a lot of adults that will find themselves resonating with a diagnosis they never acquired as a child due to the stigma, but that fits their lived experience. I think a lot of us are looking for answers and validation for why we are “the way we are”When my life is void of running I do wonder if I have ADHD but if I’m sleeping well (LOLLLL) and exercising daily, I’m pretty basic with all except one thing: tunnel vision.

It took me 5 years to figure out what was wrong with my legs (popliteal artery entrapment syndrome) and the hyper fixation I had can not be matched. People regularly telling me it was in my head, nothing was wrong, and that I was crazy did not sway me or stop my laser focused pursuit of answers. My running slowed down to none… but google searches and my doctors appointments did not miss a beat.

The relief of a concrete diagnosis set me free. “I just got back so much time and energy” I said to Matt one day imagining my life without the weight and urgency of this problem. Then he said “you’ll just find something else to fixate on” I was insulted and scoffed at that at the time.

But over two years later, no lies detected. He was right.

At first it was consecutive miscarriages and learning every detail I could about ovulation so I could get pregnant again ASAP (without a period) HCG, OCD pregnancy tests and tracking lines, symptoms, learning more about egg health as we age (which significantly ramped up my anxiety…. ) All small potatoes compared to infertility and IVF, but it was my new thing… until it was a viable pregnancy and I fixated on every stage of that, and after delivery as I came out of the newborn bliss, the dairy allergy emerged, and I’m still suspect that there is a swallowing or hidden tongue tie preventing sleep. But alas, I have other children I worry about, too… so other than sleep, by all other measures, Iris is thriving, so my attention is diverted to my oldest.

She entered second grade this year. and she really started struggling in school. I had already been suspicious of something hindering her learning and I was watching in closely, but she was still performing at or above grade level expectations… until this year. “It’s the new baby” teachers said then it was “she doesn’t care” then it was “she doesn’t pay attention”… but I did homework with her, her struggle was real and significant. But it was frustrating me so much as well! Every night a fight! Not sure if I need to advocate harder for her or stop enabling her by emailing her teachers (my coworkers) and having the privilege of knowing my way around the system. I had her evaluated, but completely to my surprise, she didn’t qualify for special education. It didn’t make sense! Is she just fooling me and really not trying?My first grader was learning the concepts just from having to be in the vicinity of the repeat lessons that weren’t sinking in. I hyper fixated on this watching each mistake she’d make. She couldn’t find her spot in a book or on a number grid. Reversed letters and numbers all the time, and one time she even told me “it feels like when I look at things they wiggle”… ADHD rating scales were indicating it’s a possibility but I wasn’t sold. I know all the strategies and nothing was working. All assessments are done one on one and classrooms are different. We were missing something.

I know my kid. But I also know special education. It had to have been more than attention. She’s hyper… yes… but when she says she loses her spot and is trying her best, who am I to tell her she isn’t. So, desperately wanting a good relationship with a girl i fought with everyday over 5 spelling words, I chose to believe her. No one believed me, and I’ll be damned if I’m the person that invalidates her.

After some research, I learned about vision therapy and wondered if that had answers. Of course, no coverage from insurance which always makes it feel like hocus pocus BS…, but I flew halfway across the country to get Botox injected into my legs… if I’m not willing to take that same chance on my kid (when her brain still has great plasticity!) I’m quite the hypocrite. I paid out of pocket (oof… might push back my own treatment a bit) and had her evaluated. According to the Optometrist she has poor occipital motor function and convergence insufficiency with a really narrow field of vision. Literal tunnel vision. She turns her head a lot at school not because she’s distracted, but because she can’t see anything next to her and doesn’t have the eye coordination or strength or endurance to move her eyes. She can’t find her spot on the board because her eyes struggle to move from one focal plane to the next and she can only see parts of the board without moving her head which looks like losing focus. She rewrites or rereads the same sentence not because she’s inattentive (though jury’s still out) but because she has double vision at certain distances. It’s a lot to take in as her mom and as a special education teacher I’m upset to not be more aware of this, but I can’t blame myself. Everyone missed it, but my hyperfixation got us to where we are now which hopefully can get her back to feeling confident in herself.

I often think of my ability to hyper focus on a task, or something that I want (like a diagnosis), as a strength or a gift; But like many gifts, it comes with a curse. The flip side in my own case is my inability to see outside of my narrow view. I spent so much energy just wanting to run again that I never stepped back to see what else has been in my peripherals… I have read that narrow field of view contributes to higher levels of anxiety. What I read of course was referring to literal narrow vision, but metaphorically it fits. Running started making me anxious. What if it hurts again? What if “nothing works” and I can never run the way I want to again?…

But what if I’m not supposed to? What if I need to take a step back and see what else has been in my peripherals all along. So in honor of my daughter, I’ve been doing that! And it definitely has lowered my anxiousness around exercise. I think I’ve been afraid to be perceived as “quitting” but I’m not… I’m accommodating myself and I’ve stepped back long enough now to feel confident in that.

As for my daughter, she seems relieved. She’s been very cooperative and motivated to do the exercises to improve. A lot of things causing frustration make more sense to her and I know for me the diagnosis in my legs was life changing. Just knowing you aren’t the problem feels good. She said “now I don’t feel like judging myself with others” gaslighting starts young, friends. We will learn to accommodate and cope as she progresses with therapy for her eyes, and take it little by little. It makes me a little sad that it took me this long to help her, but you don’t know what you don’t know and all the things we screw up as parents, my hyperfixation makes me feel like I’m the best mom for her and maybe I’m not screwing it all up. She’s a resilient kid, like her mama. She actually tested gifted in auditory and oral language, which I now believe disguised her struggle. Sometimes a gift can be a curse.

So I guess what I’m saying is there is nothing wrong with hyper fixation, there is nothing wrong with tunnel vision… but it’s how you work with it and use that makes a difference. And also, if you’re able to, don’t forget to step back, examine and appreciate what is in your peripherals and widen your perspective.